The past week's football action through the lens of the excellent Bob Holmes.
ALTERNATIVE CAREER
(1) Alex Ferguson - Racehorse owner.
The MU boss' nag What a Friend romped home a winner at Aintree on Friday. At least he won something in Liverpool.
(2) Steven Gerrard - Restauranteur.
The Liverpool skipper has bought a share in his favourite local restaurant and promises to give it a New York theme.
(3) Hermann Hreidarsson - Elvis impersonator.
Portsmouth's Icelandic defender gave a brilliant Elvis impersonation last time Pompey reached the FA Cup final. Now he’s injured and will miss this year’s match but has plenty of time to polish his act.
NOT FIT TO CARRY HIS JOCKSTRAP
Dimitar Berbatov for Wayne Rooney.
ONE-MAN TEAMS
Liverpool and Manchester United
NO Torres and NO Rooney = NO GOALS
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(1) "Typical Germans!”
Alex Ferguson blaming Bayern for getting Rafael sent off. The players who surrounded the ref were led by France’s Franck Ribery and included a Croatian, two Dutchmen and only one German. Only five Germans were in the starting XI.
(2) "He’s having a kick-about with Jesus”
Diego Maradona on Lionel Messi, the first time the Hand of God has acknowledged a similarly divine touch in his successor.
FOOTBALL DICTIONARY
Tourist.
Noun. A footballer - usually expensive and foreign - who struts around the pitch barely breaking into a sweat but does just enough to keep receiving his huge salary. Does not care about the club as he’s only passing through.
Origin - Craig Bellamy who said: "I don't know how to be on the pitch as a tourist. Some lads do that but I can't. When I play, I play for real. I never pretend.”
ALEXANDER THE STRAIGHT
Graham Alexander popped in two penalties for Burnley at Hull and hasn't missed from the spot for years.
DELAPIDATOR STAT
Stoke’s Rory Delap made 27 throw-ins but touched the ball just 23 times with his feet against Wolves.
Didier Drogba's goal against Villa was his fifth in five competitive games at Wembley.
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER AWARD
Bobby Zamora.
From journeyman to near genius well, he did the turn perfected by Johan Cruyff after 22 seconds against Wolfsburg. That was his 18th goal of the season – more than his previous three combined. The old chant “When the ball hits your head and you’re sat in Row Z, that’s Zamora” is now a distant memory.
MOST IMPROVED MANAGER AWARD (AND NO LONGER A WALLY)
Steve McClaren.
His Twente Enschede side look poised to win the Dutch League and he no longer uses a brolly.
FERGIE-WENGER SORE LOSER AWARD
Alex Ferguson reclaimed sole ownership in a big way last week with his "typical Germans” rant. In contrast, Wenger was relatively gracious in defeat against Barcelona.
CELEBRITY FAN
Hugh Grant.
British actor was spotted in the stands at Wolfsburg watching his beloved Fulham pull off another European shock.
PLAGIARIST OF THE WEEK
Arsene Wenger on Lionel Messi: “He’s Playstation.”
Theo Walcott, who made the same observation after the first leg, should sue him for breach of copyright.
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