The Wenger Gyrations, Cristiano Worshippers And Rafa Benitez Is A DVD Pirate And "Silhouette"?

The horrendous pictures of Aaron Ramsey's broken tibia and fibula continued to haunt my weekend's memories. The best part of the weekend's matches was that West Ham United stays 13th, three points above the drop zone with all rivals playing the same amount of games. A good home win against Bolton will further consolidate the Hammers' position in the Premier League table.

Hilario and Obi Mikel combined to gift Manchester City two goals as Mancini's men overcame a lethargic Chelsea. Manchester City have now lost the least games among the top six clubs chasing for Champions League position.

Arsenal moved to within three points of leaders Chelsea with a gritty 3-1 win over Stoke. The Gunners have an easier fixture run-in than both Chelsea and United and as such, must be considered a serious contender for the title. Andrew Weber writing in the excellent Arsenal FC blog will be happy to note that the Gunners faces ball-playing sides  rather than bruising sides in this crucial late stage of the Premier League title race.

A great satirical look at last weekend's Barclays Premier League action by Bob Holmes.

DAVID JAMES DODGY KEEPER AWARD

– Hilario

Chelsea’s No.2 stopper did okay when he came on for Petr Cech in midweek but against Man City showed geriatric tendencies as he went down in slow motion for two of City’s goals.

Honorable mention: Hereulho Gomes.

It was nice to see a flash of the early Gomes against Everton but he went and spoiled it by making a magnificent save!

DODGY DEFENDER AWARD

– John Terry

In the first game (at Burnley) since Vanessagate unravelled Terry scored and looked solid. Since then he has been making costly mistakes and you have to wonder whether the scandal is a factor or if he is just a fading force.

MRS REDKNAPP WOULD HAVE BURIED IT

– Landon Donovan let Spurs off the hook by somehow finding the side-netting from two yards.

CROATIAN COMBINATION

– A marvellous move involving all three of Spurs’ Croatian stars ended with Luka Modric’s brilliant finish. Niko Kranjcar and Vedran Korluca also played their part.

PEARL OF MANAGERIAL WISDOM

- Ipswich boss Roy Keane who said international football is not what it was: “The pinnacle now is getting the big contract, the Bentley and the blonde.” Only one blonde, Roy?

FIRE DRILL

– Chelsea fans were seen leaving in droves after Man City’s third goal went in.

EMILE HESKEY UNLIKELY SCORERS CLUB

– Zat Knight’s goal was his first for Bolton and only his sixth in 222 games in all. It also ended a nine-hour drought for Owen Coyle’s men.

TALL STORRIE

– Ex-Portsmouth CEO Peter Storrie: “I have worked for eight years at Portsmouth and overall I think I have been very successful for this club.”

First Premiership club to go into administration, £70m in debt, four owners this season, bottom of the league. We wouldn’t want to see a failure.

NEPOTISM AWARD

– Peter Storrie

Employed nephew Paul Mullally as Pompey’s "player liaison officer" on an incredible £60,000 a year. Mullally licked stamps, hired cars, did odd-jobs and ensured the players stayed on top of bills unlike the club. But the boy was just part of a wider empire whose wage bill over the last three years was £131 million. Director of communications Gary Double, who resigned last Friday, was pocketing  £156,000 a year, finance director Tanya Robins £250,000 a year and kit man Kev McCormack £46,000 a year plus bonuses.

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE REAL WORLD…

An unpaid tax bill of £26,125 was all that was needed for Chester City, who discovered Ian Rush, to be expelled from the Conference. They cannot fulfil their fixtures and face a winding-up order on 10 March.
 

SARCASM AWARD

- Rafa Benitez on Sam Allardyce whose Blackburn side had five bookings and left Rafa’s Liverpool “with five players bleeding”.

“I am sure he is a model for football all around the world. I am sure Barcelona are thinking about copying their style of football.”

CRISTIANO WORSHIPPERS

– Spanish media

“Yesterday,” opened AS’s match report last weekend, “Cristiano was not just Cristiano but the whole of Christianity.” Marca’s cover, meanwhile, declared: “God came dressed as CR9”.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

(1) Mark van Bommel warning that Bayern Munich’s 12-game unbeaten run did not mean another victory: “Warranties and guarantees are just for washing machines.”

(2) Ray Wilkins on Joe Cole’s long journey back from injury: “Cruciate ligament injuries are a pain in the backside.”

PEARLS OF COMMENTARY WISDOM 

(1) “That one would have been a goal if it had gone in.”

Dion Dublin cleverly analysing Wayne Rooney’s free-kick against Everton.

(2) “It’s been a cure for insomniacs all over the world.”

Commentator fails to get excited about Liverpool in the Europa Cup.
(3) “I thought we did well in the fi rst-half, but the first-half precedes the second-half.” 

Mark Robins shows some spectacular insight after his Barnsley side’s embarrassing second half performance against Plymouth.

ALTERNATIVE CAREER

– Rafa Benitez as a DVD pirate

Sam Allardyce said: “I have no worries about what he thinks of me or my team. He even went as far as putting a DVD together and sending it to (referees chief) Keith Hackett. He doesn’t know I know that, but I do.”

DESCRIPTION OF THE WEEK

- “Arsene Wenger is gyrating furiously with the fourth official.”

Commentary on an internet stream for the Arsenal-Porto game, following Porto’s second goal.

CHANT OF THE WEEK

- “You’ll never shop at Harrods!” 

Fulham fans to Shakhtar Donetsk, after the Shakhtar players had been turned away from Mohammed Al Fayed’s shop.

BEST NICKNAME

– "Bobby Manc" 

What ManCity fans call Roberto Mancini.

GOOD CUSTOMER

– Mancini

The Manchester City boss has not allowed the bad feeling between City and United to stop him patronising Rio Ferdinand’s recently-opened Italian restaurant. Given a rave review by Rio even before it had served its first pasta dish, remember?, it has been a regular haunt for the Italian who took his wife Federica there on Valentine’s Day.

OPTIMIST OF THE WEEK

- Hermann Hreidarsson

Portsmouth’s defender who has suffered relegation with Crystal Palace, Wimbledon, Ipswich and Charlton. And, being Icelandic, probably lost his life savings too. No matter, he claims Pompey just need 10 wins to say up and the 2-1 win over Burnley was one of them.
 

STATTO SECTION

– Attention United fans! Many will know that Old Trafford recently celebrated its 100th anniversary but it’s doubtful if more than a handful know who was playing when the ground attracted its biggest ever crowd. City? Liverpool? Real Madrid? Or Grimsby Town? Unbelievable as it seems, it was the last mentioned and United were not involved at all. The attendance for the Mariners’ FA Cup semifinal against Wolves (who won
5-0) in April 1939 was 76,962, 864 more than United’s record, for a Premier League game with Blackburn three years ago. Our thanks to The Independent for this little gem. And here’s another one: what is the largest crowd at the Theatre of Dreams to see a reserve game? Answer: 73,709 for United 3 Wolves Reserves 0 in December. The return game is on Saturday, when Mick McCarthy is expected to pick a rather stronger side.

EUPHEMISM OF THE WEEK

– “Silhouette” 

The quaint choice of word a Romanian journalist used to describe Rafa Benitez’s substantial figure before Liverpool’s Europa Cup match against Unirea.

And finally,

WAG OF THE WEEK

- Noemie Lenoir
She used to be attached – they were never married - to ex-Chelsea star Claude Makalele, that renowned holding midfielder. But for some reason he was unable to hold on to her and the couple split a year ago. The French model – Noemie not Claude – is now dating hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, while Makalele, who is playing for an inferior team, Paris St Germain, has to make do with an inferior lookalike model. Life can be tough sometimes.

Enjoy more WAG views of the Rush Hour 3 actress.

Brace yourself for this weekend's matches!